Find out about Ram Pole: Libertarians

Libertarians are assholes. The increasing number of people who say that they're, social liberals and fiscal conservatives fit under this umbrella of selfishness. Basically, what they want is to not pay any money to taxes to support social programs and infrastructure so they can spend more money on legal pot and sodomy. I know you might say sodomy is free, but you sure pay for it in the morning.

In a way it's less reprehensible than conservatives who don't want to support social programs or infrastructure so they can spend their money on "harmless" things like golfing and R.Vs, which actually are water, gas and land vacuums. So I guess what I'm saying is that pot and sodomy are the lesser of the two evils, but I'd still rather spend my money on clean streets and maybe an olympic bid. I'm not that nice of a guy. I just don't like golf or pot that much.

Most libertarians don't live in cities, because they would see just how impractical their ideas of governance are outside of Mayberry. Most Libertarians live in "the middle of bum-fuck nowhere." I've never been to "the middle of bum-fuck nowhere," but I imagine that they call it "bum-fuck nowhere" because the people there are just constantly sodomizing each other. Every time I fly over I look down and expect to see just a big train of ass sex winding through the mountains.

It's strange that they'd call it "bum-fuck nowhere." Seems to me that most of the bum-fucking actually goes on in cities, like New York aka "the big assfuck." I currently like in "Bumfuckfrisco." The sodomy capital of the West.

I'm a Liberal, so I believe that you should be able to smoke pot and sodomize willing partners freely, but am willing to spend less money on butt plugs and bongs to help pay taxes that support schools and welfare programs for those who can't even afford lube. 

The world in seven stereotypes

Asians - Conformists

Europeans - Lazy

South Americans - Dangerous

North Americans - Stubborn

Australians - Hicks

Africans - Starving

Antarcticans - Penguins

Btw if you are from Antarctica and are reading this, I think it's amazing that there is a literate penguin, but I guess it makes sense considering that there is a major publishing company named for you. 

POTUS MAXIMUS

I like Obama. I like him so much that I call him POTUS! In addition to being the first black president. He is the first POTUS, at least as far as I'm concerned. POTUS MAXIMUS, the emperor of the free world. I think people would respect the office of president more if we called them POTUS.

If I were the president I would like to be called POTUS, it sounds more like a title than president. My autobiography that I wrote to promote myself early in my years in congress would be called "Call me POTUS!"

POTUS kind of sounds like potentate, which is is a name for a dictator or all powerful leader. We don't call dictators that anymore, because it sounds too much like Puddin' Tain. Potentate, potentate, ask me again and I'll get irate!

Doughnut line purgatory

Trapped between heaven and hell. I know I'm wrong for being there, I swore off those things, but the smell and what seemed like a short line proved to be too tempting. Behind the grease-fogged glass lies a paradise. Behind me a hell, full of stupid loud people making "that's what she said" jokes.

The line moves extra slow because they started taking credit cards and no one seems to know what they want. People ask stupid questions to the doughnut lady, like "Which one's the best?" or "How many in a dozen." I feel as though I am surrounded by idiots, but since I am in line with them, perhaps we are peers. What a chilling thought.

I consider being strong and getting out of this line of loud, annoying, slow people. Being better than them, by choosing not to eat my 3AM doughnut, instead going home to drink herbal tea and listen to classical music. I realize, I am no better than these people. I am drunk and I am going to do the same thing as they are. I am going to eat way too many doughnuts and watch some stupid shit on the internet until I pass out in a sugar glazed stupor.

As the line gets close to the door, people walking out of the tight corridor bump into my shoulder as they exit, one after another. My annoyance swells. The people behind me get louder and stupider. I see my last chance to escape with my dignity, but I am too close now, I can feel the warmth from the shortening.

I get my greasy bag of heaven and head off to make the walk of shame home with my doughnut date. As I leave, I realize that the second door to the doughnut shop that none of the morons who bumped into me thought of opening, opens. In one moment of genius I double the space of the entrance to the doughnut shop.

I scream out, "Are you fucking serious? This door opens!" The folks in line stare at me as though I'm crazy, not understanding my frustration. I had been getting bumped into for the last twenty minutes because people were too stupid to open a door right next to them, and suddenly I'm the asshole. At least I have doughnuts. 

A Theory of Artistic Evolution

At some point in your art education.

Art (n) an act or object conspiring against usefulness.

This is my new theory for what art is, and I can assure you I didn't just come up with it while I was sitting around trying to think of something useful to do. Art began this way though, a man who killed a 500 lb. Bison and was able to drag it to his cave had enough meat to take a week off from hunting and gathering. This man, like most others of his time and place, had never had such luck and such an easy time surviving, so he got bored. Trying to figure out a way to idle the time away, not being burdened by the usual struggle to feed himself, he decided to scrawl a crude depiction of the hunt on the side of his cave and art was born.

As the painting evolved and techniques were refined, the form lost much of it's "artiness." People mostly just used their painting to depict religious scenes and to serve the vanity of noblemen in europe. Painting was to useful to be art at this time, because the Church needed painters, and those Jesus comic pamphlets that people give you on the subway hadn't been invented yet. Realistic painting is far to useful to be considered art by my definition, unless of course you paint something particularly unremarkable.

The greatest work of art from the Renaissance was the Mona Lisa, which was realistic, but marvelous in the strangeness of it's subject. Why anyone would forgo the tradition of getting the most attractive girl in your village to strip nude for your paintbrush, and instead to paint a portrait of a woman with a giant forehead smiling like she had just farted, is a questionable choice. That exercise of poor taste is what makes the Mona Lisa art. People probably saw that and wondered why DaVinci would have wasted his time and technique on such a bland woman, but enlightened people recognized that it was true art, and now it's probably the most famous painting in the world.

Most paintings were too useful to historians or religious scholars to be considered true art for many years to follow. With the birth of photography, painters, like that well-fed caveman, had of a need to work, and could focus on something useless. Modern art was born. It started with Impressionists painting blurry paintings that were to recognize their subject, a great use of "uselessness." Artists then rushed to depict something in ineffectively as possible and abstract art was born.

Picasso's Geurnica was perhaps the first work of Modern art that was on the same level of uselessness as the Mona Lisa. Picasso could have easily gone to Geurnica and painted a picture of a Republican solider bleeding to death in the sun and he would have paid tribute to the fallen of the Spanish civil war, but that would have been far to useful. It might have even brought in International intervention. Instead the genius Picasso painted a bunch of weird ghosty head thingies and I think that one thing is a bull. Picasso's profoundly useless expression of grief and anguish made the world stop and say "what the hell is that?" Now it is common to question acts of war.

Then Marcel Duchamp took the art world by storm by taking a urinal, which is a very useful item, and placing it on the wall far too high for anyone to realistically piss in. This was considered to be a truly great work of art. Art had now reached absurd levels of uselessness, and for the first time in history people who had no useful skills at as, as painters or otherwise, now had cause to call themselves artists. Artistic liberation had finally arrived.

Throughout the 20th century art reached in many directions of uselessness, from Jackson Pollack dribbling paint over a canvas between games of ping pong to Andy Warhol photo copying supermarket coupons between watching soap operas. The pinnacle of modern art was probably the "color field" paintings of Mark Rothko (among others). Some might argue that painting a canvas one color is useful, as it is is similar to the extremely useful act of painting a house. I find that these paintings, lacking primer, are still useless, and still while managing to be as visually uninspiring as a cloudless sky, they are useless even as what we thought art was. Magnificent.

I've tried to take this artistic principle and apply it to my comedy. You see the lowest form of comedy, artistically speaking, would be something useful. Since comedy is basically a useless act, only good for distracting people from doing useful things (I don't believe in that Patch Adams "comedy can heal people" B.S.), the only way to make it useful is to get paid for it. The best way to get paid for it is to help someone sell something using your comedy stylings.

The most useful form of comedy would be to be a guy in a Taco Bell commercial who says something like "You da man." By helping them sell tacos you would be providing a service using your funny face and voice. Even comedians that go on late night shows are providing some kind of commercial service. They are helping to fill five minutes of necessary "entertainment" time between valuable ad space to keep the audience watching and buying. Comedian's on late-night shows help a greatly overworked writing staff by adding five minutes to the show and making their tired "ripped from the headlines" zingers seem funny by comparison to their acts.

I hope to stay useless and make true art. I do this by not performing much, cursing so much that my act couldn't be broadcast and generally looking unpresentable.