Porn they don't do?

There is a theory among some of my friends that every conceivable idea has been used in porn. The other day I was lamenting the lack of vomit porn. How scat and urine porn was ubiquitous, but you never really see people vomiting on each other in the midst of acts of love. Just then someone piped up and said "I've seen that!" Seconds later, someone whips out a smart phone and we suddenly became a group of people watching people vomit on each other on a tiny screen in a bar.

I decided to then challenge myself to think of porn that isn't done. My first impulse was for some reason  the Wizard of Oz. Many movies are parodied in porn, but for some reason I thought perhaps this American classic had slipped through the cracks. It seemed to write itself, the scarecrow and the tinman double teaming Dorthy while the Cowardly Lion stands off in the corner jerking off because he's too scared to join in. A quick internet search found, that it had been done, and in fact a major porn studio is casting for a big budget version complete with musical numbers and munchkins.

 After a few days of trying to think about a porn that hasn't been done, I finally settled on "Tyler Perry Porn," probably something with Madea. I decided that no one would ever do this, because it's redundant. Tyler Perry shits out movies at the same speed and with the same sophistication as porn studios. I didn't verify that there is, in fact, no "Madea" porn. I was too terrified that I'd actually find some. 

The Retail Caste

I worked in retail for a brief time, and I discovered a shocking caste system that is apparently the norm for the industry. It basically is a hierarchy of looks with pretty people in front, moderately attractive people in the corners and uglies in the basement folding clothes, forced to enter and exit through a back entrance. Then there are the Quasimodo level ugly people who work stocking the shelves at night, so there is no chance they will be seen by the unsuspecting public.

There is no dating out of your caste, and zero chance for upward mobility in this lifetime. I'm happy to have worked there for a brief time because I learned how to remove those weird grey tags that set off alarms, and I learned where I belong on the retail  caste. I was a cashier, which means that I look pretty good from the chest up (the register hides my beer gut), but not I'm not quite attractive enough to be on the floor.

I have prided myself of never dating below my caste and occasionally even landing girls that could have been full of sales floor models. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to frolic among the untouchable night staff of retail. Would it be like the bowels of a steamboat? Does their utter lack of attractiveness lead to a sort of uninhibited sexual openness? Someday I will penetrate this dark world, but only after drinking way too much.