Mama Said They'll be Days Like This

I was a kid in the 90's. I used to listen to a lot of loud rock, like grunge and metal. My parents hated it. I told them they were out of touch and they told me that some day young people would love music that I would hate and wouldn't understand. They were right, but in a bizarre twist, that music turned out to be 80s dance pop.

A Comedian got in Trouble

Paul Moody got gigs cancelled for saying, "White people in Boston deserve what they got." As a spokesman for the white community, I'd like to say that no one deserves a bombing and no one deserves to get gigs cancelled for speaking their minds. Hey, but sometimes we piss off the wrong people... Which begs the question: Is there a right person to piss off? Let's find him and poke him. 

Things I like: Hangovers

I think saying you like hangovers is the definition of alcoholism. Uh oh, cause I do. Of course, I don't like the hangover part of the hangover. I hate the headache, the stomach ulcers, the shame, oh god the shame. Hangovers are definitely miserable, but if I could take a pill to avoid them (do those work?) I still wouldn't, because I love that post-hangover glow.

Once the hangover starts to fade, and you feel like yourself again, it's such a great feeling. You feel alive again. You feel as though your prayers have been answered. You feel reborn. The worse the hangover the better the feeling when it subsides too. I always eat a meal with a renewed enjoyment of solid food. I feel like jogging and doing jumping jacks and all that repetitive healthy stuff, because I can once more. I feel alive, and deluded enough to believe that I will never be as stupid as I was last night. After you finish a hangover the world is full of possibilities, and I usually take a nap.   

Things I like: Airports

I like airports. I always arrive really early because of the sense of doom and paranoia I get before flying, but I find that, once I'm there, I enjoy myself. The airport has its downsides: The shopping and food is all generic and mediocre, and the surroundings are sterile. I wouldn't want to live there, but I do value those boing times spent wiling away my hours.

First of all, there is something disarming about knowing that everyone has been disarmed. I feel safe at airports, and I know they often see terrorist attacks, flu outbreaks and the occasional plane crash, but something about those sterile surroundings make me feel cozy. Airports also have nice facilities. I know that there will be toilet paper, hand soap and at least one clean toilet available, which is always a comforting thought. Airports are also a great spot for people watching, and because so many people talk on their cell phones there, people listening. Sometimes as boarding time approaches and seats become scarce at the gate, there are even opportunities for people smelling.

Airports are like malls, but without the unsupervised teenagers and no one expects you to buy anything.   Airports are like waiting rooms that go on for miles. You just mill around like a consumer drone, until they call your number and then life begins. Airports are like purgatory. Great places to think and not be burdened with responsibility. Every one is equal at the airport, until they enter their VIP lounges, and eventually wind up sitting segregated by class on the plane.

Airports would probably be a lot less interesting if not for the booze. Airports also have lots of booze, tax free. It seems like everyone drinks at the airport. Why not? No one's responsible for anything and most people are terrified of what they are about to submit themselves too. They would be great places to get high if not for the drug dogs and NSA agents lurking around. 

My Marijuana Policy

Medical Marijuana is a bullshit loophole, but god bless it. It keeps us snickering. I think we should be able to have an honest Marijuana policy that gets weed to the people who need and deserve it, and keeps it away from the people who should stick to tobac and crack. The only fair way to do this is by profession. We can't discriminate on anything else really, because most people should be able to get high.

I feel like I have a right to make these policies because I am experienced. You can take LSD once and be experienced, but pot requires smoking your weight in it, and that I have accomplished Mr. Dean.

People who should be able to get high:
Doctors
Porn Stars
Cooks
Firefighters
Long-Haul Truckers
Masseuses
Clerks
Artists
Laypeople
Musicians
Judges
Comedians (duh)
Professors
Everyone who works for an airline, except Pilots
Mimes
Farmers

People who shouldn't be able to get high:
Lawyers
Drug Dealers
Servers
Policemen
Cabbies
Chiropractors
Accountants
Designers
The Unemployed (Let's motivate them!)
Auctioneers
Bailiffs
Morticians
Administrators
Pilots
Dancers
Dude Ranchers

I think it would be best for society if we just decided at 18 or 21 or whenever you put on your hat, whether you want to get high or not. Some people don't like it, there would be enough people to do the stoner jobs and enough to do the non-stoner jobs. No more faking injuries. No more overcrowded prisons. Think about it. 

Things I don't like: Oversharing

I'm noticing a pattern. Most of the things I don't like involve cutesy things on the internet, and most of the things I like are disgusting and analog, very analog. Anyway, I was going to write a rant on how much I hate buzzfeed, but I decided they aren't the problem, it's all the people sharing their worst articles. People are always posting and linking me towards mind-eating crap and it has to stop. Stupidity is contagious and when people send some your way, it eats your brain.

Even the lowest of the low, buzzfeed, even vice occasionally, very occasionally, produces something interesting. Mostly, their content is inane to the point of self-parody. The worst stuff involves the writer over-sharing.

I think that writers, and the half-wits that share their garbage, are confused about is the difference between honest writing and bukake. It isn't honest to share your diary or your diarrhea. It isn't honest to write a list of your 26 favorite snack-foods. Honest writing is writing for an audience, not for your friends. Bukake is pretending that everyone on the internet is your buddy, and interesting in your breakfast.

There was a period I think when a bunch of people decided that writing like they are hanging out with their buddies, three joints deep and with a mouth full of doritios, was honest. I think the least honest, kind of comedy, writing or anything is that in which the audience is expected to forget they are being performed to.

I think a good exercise to help curb over-sharing is to limit yourself to three facebook posts a week. Make them count, no cat pictures, or  descriptions of your lunch. Writers of web-content should think this way too, but since they are paid by the article they won't. It's up to us to ignore their garbage pieces they churn out to make quotas, or else, we hasten the rush towards a world without anything interesting to read on the internet.

I am doing my part too. I've never been guilty of over-sharing, but to help tip the balance, I have been making a deliberate effort to "under-share." I don't tell people when I have to go to the bathroom. I just wander off. I explain why I'm late. I just catch-up. On the net, I don't share many articles, but the ones I do are really special.

Please join me in under-sharing and stop the spread of stupidity before it's too late.

Things I like: Mushrooms

Mushrooms are amazing. They are the earth pushing itself up into the heavens and inspiring us under the guise of mere fungus. Mushrooms can be delicious, deadly or mystical. To many they're mysterious, and it can take a lifetime to unlock their secrets.

In culinaria mushrooms can replace meat, vegetables, or starch, and they go well with almost everything. Mushrooms are great by themselves, simply sautéed Texturally mushrooms can very from soft and squishy to chewy. Tubers aren't nearly as interesting.

In medicine mushrooms can be used to help alleviate minor ailments. They can be used to catch flies. They can be used to unlock unused portions of the brain that bring us back to a childlike state of innocence and euphoria. Let's see a carrot do that.

Mushrooms are diverse and beautiful. They come in all shapes sizes and colors and grow on many types of organic material. I find them to be prettier than flowers, but much more useful.

Most important of all, mushrooms can be used to eliminate your enemies as many types are deadly poisonous. Radishes will just cause them to make a funny face.