As a good consumer, I am very aware of my demographic and try to remain within it. I refuse to consume or absorb any product or media meant for women, children, the old or morons. As you can imagine, it's hard to go to the movies. I started this boycott out of a fear that luna bars would give me tits. Now, I can only relate to products designed for 25-30 year old straight male winos with graduate educations and bad backs.
Maybe I live in a bit of a bubble, but it seems like theres a lot of us out there, and not enough products marketed towards us. I'm planning an open letter to fortune 500 CEOs complaining about this soon.
Dear Corporate Rim Kissers,
Where is my whiskey-flavored breakfast cereal bars? What happened to screwball comedy films? Where is my voice in congress? How do I work this? Where is the express bus to work? This is not my shitty overpriced urban apartment? This is not my coked up bar-hook up throwing up in the bathroom. How did I get here? Letting the days go by. Let the sewage hold me down. Once in a lifetime. Sewage flowing underground.
Same shit as it ever was,
TH
I have had this theory for a while that there is a hyperactive 12-year-old girl living in Kansas who is the sole influence for mainstream popular culture. The way she responds to screenings and demos determines the (erect nipple) Billboard Top 40, the box office, (jizz drizzle) The New York Times best-selling books, next seasons dresses, the new flavor of (cockslap) M&Ms and presidential approval ratings. Her name is Carley. Some people ask why I believe this, as I have no evidence that this influential 12-year old exists. I tell them I believe it because I have to believe it.
I hate advertising. I hate it so much, that I try to avoid using proper nouns in any of my writings or performances, so as not to even inadvertently endorse anything. Of course, this makes it hard to mention certain topics of conversation so if I must use proper nouns such as (monkey cum) M&Ms or The New York Times I try to include some derogatory expletives in the sentence so as not to be confused as an advocate for the topic. I used to use a stock person, place and thing for every hypothetical senario I needed to discuss. The person: Carson Daily. The place: Newark, New Jersey. The thing: Segways.
I chose these proper nouns, not entirely at random. No one could actually believe anyone would endorse these things, so they're pretty safe. So if I was telling a story I could be like I was in this town last week. And if the audience asked where I was I'd always say Newark for an easy laugh and and move right along. Usually you can do pretty well without proper nouns. And if I have to mention something, someone or some place by name to make a point, make sure to make my feelings clear.
Segways, like Carson Daily or Newark, are an easy target. There is nothing good about them, not even with the deepest irony or most open mind can I find one positive thing about them. So if I tell a joke about a factory burning down, why not fill the building with Segways. It helps to really paint the picture. I would do some stuff of Carson Daily, but if I have a chance of any television appearances anytime in the next five years, it will probably be on his show, right before the Cialis commercials, so I better not burn that bridge.
Since I brought them up, Segways are a great example of failure. Segways were supposed to replace the horse, but instead they replaced the pony. You see them at carnivals and at very rich people's houes, stinking up the shed. Sometimes in cities, you see groups of tourists riding around on them. There are many funny things about these groups, but my favorite is that they all wear helmets. They are wearing helmets to protect themselves from a machine that moves at the speed and height of a tall person walking. So they are basically trying to protect themselves from cracking their skulls by walking. At least ponies kick sometimes.
Editors Note: According to this article, it turns out that people who injure themselves by falling off Segways are more likely to go to the (nut-sucking) Emergency Room than those hit by cars as pedestrian in (shit-ass) Washington D.C, where tour groups full of idiots run rampent. I suppose it begs the question, are these little scooters dangerous, or is being dumb enough to be seen on one already up your chances of a head injury. Are these flawed statistics? In any case, I retract my previous comment about the helmets. They should keep them on, really tight.
Maybe I live in a bit of a bubble, but it seems like theres a lot of us out there, and not enough products marketed towards us. I'm planning an open letter to fortune 500 CEOs complaining about this soon.
Dear Corporate Rim Kissers,
Where is my whiskey-flavored breakfast cereal bars? What happened to screwball comedy films? Where is my voice in congress? How do I work this? Where is the express bus to work? This is not my shitty overpriced urban apartment? This is not my coked up bar-hook up throwing up in the bathroom. How did I get here? Letting the days go by. Let the sewage hold me down. Once in a lifetime. Sewage flowing underground.
Same shit as it ever was,
TH
I have had this theory for a while that there is a hyperactive 12-year-old girl living in Kansas who is the sole influence for mainstream popular culture. The way she responds to screenings and demos determines the (erect nipple) Billboard Top 40, the box office, (jizz drizzle) The New York Times best-selling books, next seasons dresses, the new flavor of (cockslap) M&Ms and presidential approval ratings. Her name is Carley. Some people ask why I believe this, as I have no evidence that this influential 12-year old exists. I tell them I believe it because I have to believe it.
I hate advertising. I hate it so much, that I try to avoid using proper nouns in any of my writings or performances, so as not to even inadvertently endorse anything. Of course, this makes it hard to mention certain topics of conversation so if I must use proper nouns such as (monkey cum) M&Ms or The New York Times I try to include some derogatory expletives in the sentence so as not to be confused as an advocate for the topic. I used to use a stock person, place and thing for every hypothetical senario I needed to discuss. The person: Carson Daily. The place: Newark, New Jersey. The thing: Segways.
I chose these proper nouns, not entirely at random. No one could actually believe anyone would endorse these things, so they're pretty safe. So if I was telling a story I could be like I was in this town last week. And if the audience asked where I was I'd always say Newark for an easy laugh and and move right along. Usually you can do pretty well without proper nouns. And if I have to mention something, someone or some place by name to make a point, make sure to make my feelings clear.
Segways, like Carson Daily or Newark, are an easy target. There is nothing good about them, not even with the deepest irony or most open mind can I find one positive thing about them. So if I tell a joke about a factory burning down, why not fill the building with Segways. It helps to really paint the picture. I would do some stuff of Carson Daily, but if I have a chance of any television appearances anytime in the next five years, it will probably be on his show, right before the Cialis commercials, so I better not burn that bridge.
Since I brought them up, Segways are a great example of failure. Segways were supposed to replace the horse, but instead they replaced the pony. You see them at carnivals and at very rich people's houes, stinking up the shed. Sometimes in cities, you see groups of tourists riding around on them. There are many funny things about these groups, but my favorite is that they all wear helmets. They are wearing helmets to protect themselves from a machine that moves at the speed and height of a tall person walking. So they are basically trying to protect themselves from cracking their skulls by walking. At least ponies kick sometimes.
Editors Note: According to this article, it turns out that people who injure themselves by falling off Segways are more likely to go to the (nut-sucking) Emergency Room than those hit by cars as pedestrian in (shit-ass) Washington D.C, where tour groups full of idiots run rampent. I suppose it begs the question, are these little scooters dangerous, or is being dumb enough to be seen on one already up your chances of a head injury. Are these flawed statistics? In any case, I retract my previous comment about the helmets. They should keep them on, really tight.
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